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  • don bosch 2:38 pm on 08/19/2015 Permalink
    Tags: marriage   

    The Undated Wife: My husband isn’t being romantic enough.

    “I have read many of the posts on your site and I agree with some things you say. I agree that women should not deny sex to their husbands and I do not deny sex to my husband, although there are many times I don’t feel like having sex with him. But I think you miss the fact that women have an equal right to be dated by their husbands. Why do men think that dating is just before marriage? Why do men stop dating their wives after they get married?”

    Great question.

    Several thoughts already from GWTDFT and in the comments, so let me just channel my inner Dalrock for a sec…

    (More …)

    • Maea 4:15 pm on 08/22/2015 Permalink | Reply

      Do you think love languages have much merit in understanding one’s spouse? At least, in keeping them engaged?


    • honordads 5:32 pm on 08/22/2015 Permalink | Reply

      Hi, Maea! Fair question.

      I heard a couple on “Focus on the Family” radio years ago. Wife was ready to call it quits. Said her husband didn’t love her. Turning to her husband the counselor asked if he loved her. A man of few words, he described rising daily in the dead of winter before his wife (a nurse) left for her early shift, to dig out her car and warm it up. When asked why, he said “I know she likes it.”

      Love for him was acts of service; she needed to hear him say “I love you.” This had been reinforced by their families (hers was warm and communicative, his stoic and practical). Both were genuine, but it took a counselor to help her understand that he had actually been “telling her” he loved her for years – just not in a way she understood. When that clicked, it transformed her feelings for him and their marriage.

      Gary Chapman’s work on love languages has helped many. Certainly helped me (physical and verbal affection) connect better with my wife (gifts/acts of service). So yes, I believe so.

      Grace and peace,


  • don bosch 9:18 am on 03/04/2015 Permalink
    Tags: marriage, sex   

    When sex becomes a chore.

  • don bosch 10:37 am on 02/23/2015 Permalink
    Tags: counseling, marriage   

    Failure to Honor: Why marriage counseling leads to divorce.

    Most marriage counseling is initiated by women. Men often come reluctantly. We think of the format of counseling as being gender neutral, but it’s not. Women, as a group, tend to be more comfortable with face-to-face communication. Men, as a group, are more comfortable with side-to-side communication. Women are more comfortable with words, while men are more comfortable with actions. The counseling format is one that favors women’s comfort level. The result is a setting that creates discomfort and conflict for the man. Counselors may conclude that the conflict is because the couple is just not compatible. The real problem may be the context of the counseling is not compatible with the needs of both women and men. 

    Yep. They’d do better attending one of these conferences.

  • don bosch 2:45 pm on 01/20/2015 Permalink
    Tags: husbands, marriage,   

    GMP: How not to get mad at your wife. 

    There is nothing like having or witnessing a near death experience for identifying what is really important in life. Fighting with my partner is not high up on my list of important things. No. Not even close.

    But I do get angry with her at times. That is life. So how do I not get angry with my beloved? After the incident at the restaurant and my appreciation that my relationship with my wife is finite, I made a decision. I stated, in her presence, that I was not going to be angry at her anymore. When I said this, something amazing happened. A look of relief and joy came over her that, as I think about it now, makes me sad. She said that she felt released from a certain anxiety. Like she had been nervous, trying not to incite, not so much my anger, but my judgement or criticism. I do know where this comes from – old family of origin stuff. This declaration not only made her feel relieved, it also freed me. Even though my way of being around this issue was mostly unconscious, I am now more aware and have a felt sense of being less worried about what is happening in my environment, and specifically, with how my wife is doing any task. I may get angry, but I don’t get angry at her. What I mean by this is my anger is no longer directed at her. I feel the anger, express it to the universe, or not, and realize that it is my anger and nothing more. I have the choice of what I do with it. I choose not to direct my irritation, frustration, and anger at my wife. 

    Making the choice to accept her for who she is, and to make a commitment to get a handle on your anger, are definitely good bits of advice. Still, deciding to never get mad is unrealistic. Husbands and wives are humans, and humans bump into each other once in a while.

    So when that fails: When you do get mad – and you will from time to time – don’t let it stick. 

    The Missus and I also found this helpful.

  • don bosch 1:58 pm on 01/20/2015 Permalink
    Tags: jeggins, marriage, spandex   

    A spandex-wearing wife finally gets it.

    Was it possible my wearing leggings could cause a man, other than my husband, to think lustfully about my body? I asked my husband his thoughts on the matter when he got home. I appreciated his honesty when he told me, “yeah, when I walk into a place and there are women wearing yoga pants everywhere, it’s hard to not look. I try not to, but it’s not easy.”

    I instantly felt conviction come over me even stronger. Not that I wasn’t feeling it earlier, or else I wouldn’t have thought twice about the conversation, but after talking to Dale, it hit me a lot harder. If it is difficult for my husband who loves, honors, and respects me to keep his eyes focused ahead, then how much more difficult could it be for a man that may not have the same self-control? Sure, if a man wants to look, they are going to look, but why entice them? Is it possible that the thin, form-fitting yoga pants or leggings could make a married (or single) man look at a woman in a way he should only look at his wife?

    And at that moment, I made a personal vow to myself and to my husband. I will no longer wear thin, form-fitting yoga pants or leggings in public. The only time I feel (for myself) it is acceptable to wear them, is if I am in the comfort of my own home or if I am wearing a shirt long enough to cover my rear end. I also want to set the best example of how to dress for my daughter. I want her to know, her value is not in the way her body looks or how she dresses, but in the character and personality God has given her. I have been following the vow I made to myself for the past couple of weeks now and though it may be difficult to find an outfit at times, my conscience is clear and I feel I am honoring God and my husband in the way I dress.

    Lots of interesting comments.

  • don bosch 10:09 am on 01/16/2015 Permalink
    Tags: intimacy, marriage   

    The benefits of sleeping naked:

    As it turns out, the benefits of sleeping naked have been scientifically proven. If you and your hubby cuddle up, the constant skin-to-skin contact increases both of your oxytocin levels, which helps bond you closer together and puts you in a better mood.

    You don’t want to be anti-science, do you?

  • don bosch 8:47 am on 12/30/2014 Permalink
    Tags: , marriage, romance   

    Really? Single Women Don’t Want Nice Men. Yes. Married women don’t want nice men either. At least not all the time. It’s an indictment of Christianity’s family values sector that we demand husbands “date their mates” but we never tell them how. He’s thinking dinner out once a month. She wants butterflies in her stomach after 15 years at the same breakfast table. Not the same thing.

    I learned more in an hour on doubleyourdating.com than in almost 2 decades of couples’ bible studies. Fold that knowledge in with a little strategic knowledge on the subject and average joe stands a better chance.

  • don bosch 1:27 am on 11/03/2014 Permalink
    Tags: , , marriage,   

    Need a good reason today to make your marriage stronger? Heeeere ya go.

  • don bosch 8:29 am on 10/24/2014 Permalink
    Tags: , , marriage,   

    Eight signs you’ve found your wife. Careful that #6 doesn’t cloud your judgement on the other 7. And here’s another guide to finding a good wife. Written by a mom to her son thousands of years ago. Still good today.

  • don bosch 12:05 pm on 10/07/2014 Permalink
    Tags: data, , marriage, remarriage   

    (lots more here)

  • don bosch 8:22 am on 10/07/2014 Permalink
    Tags: marriage,   

    WAPO on Back Burners: “Backup” husbands and wives, emotional affairs, and the rise of digital infidelity. No doubt that this is a huge issue for couples today, so much so that any marriage books written today that ignore it should themselves be ignored.

    A couple quick thoughts.

    Coach John Wooden is quoted as saying “The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” I would encourage all you guys out there to lead by example by totally honoring your wife in your digital life too.

    If you and your spouse don’t at least offer your account passwords to one another in the interest of transparency, there’s an issue. Be the one to initiate it by giving her yours if you haven’t taken that step. Tell her it’s because you want her to know she’s the only one in your life. Don’t be surprised if that kindles a fire in your evening together. If she takes you up on it, thinks an old flame being is a potential Back Burner girl, end it on the spot. Send her a note, then block her. She’s not worth it. Your wife definitely is. If you need more motivation, think about that guy who will be raising your kids after the divorce.

    If either of you have social media accounts that the other doesn’t know about, it’s an even bigger issue. Actually, a bright red flashing light. Confess it, and get some help. Remember what the Proverb says:  And to him who lacks sense she says, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But he does not know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depths of the Pit.

    Finally, turn the gadgets off during family time and dinner. Be creative and gracious – give everybody 30 seconds to check last minute emails and tweets, then throw them into a basket on the kitchen counter.

    Our kids are the so-called connected generation. 

    Show them how to connect, old-school.

    It’s a brave new world, guys. If you don’t take the lead in your home’s digital life, chances are there’s some guy waiting in the digital wings who will.

  • don bosch 2:09 pm on 10/01/2014 Permalink
    Tags: dalrock, marriage, spirituality   

    Is Christian pop culture telling wives to practice witchcraft on wayward husbands? (More …)

  • don bosch 12:02 pm on 10/01/2014 Permalink
    Tags: marriage   

    Pictures say a lot, often unintentionally.

    Check out the header pic in this First Things article on the modern state of marriage. Notice anything?

    first things marriage

    She is positioned inside, in the light. He is shown outside, in the darkness. 

    He is reaching out to her with his hand, but can’t get “in.” She is “in” yet suffering over her frustration with her life and her husband. She’s the focus of the marriage, both its issues, and its restoration.

    Don’t agree? Reverse the two – put him inside and her outside. Wouldn’t your view of them change? Is he now domineering, controlling, keeping her outside in the cold? Isn’t she now exposed and vulnerable?

    I don’t know if it was intended that way, but it’s a telling picture of the way problems in Christian marriage is viewed today. Suffering wives, and husbands who have failed make their way back into the home. 

  • don bosch 3:24 pm on 09/30/2014 Permalink
    Tags: marriage   

    10 ways you are being unfaithful to your spouse — and you don’t even know it.  Lots more from Gary and Joy Lundberg here.

  • don bosch 11:57 am on 09/29/2014 Permalink
    Tags: marriage, ,   

    HYPOTHESIS: it’s only rape if he doesn’t fall in love.

    Since reading this, I’m stunned at how often the issue pops up in web discussions.

  • don bosch 3:38 pm on 09/23/2014 Permalink
    Tags: , , , marriage   

    Bionic dad gives away the bride. Cool.

  • don bosch 8:57 am on 09/18/2014 Permalink
    Tags: , , marriage, ,   

    Civil Rights Update: Veteran chooses jail over giving his disability money to ex-wife.

    A Suncoast veteran went to jail Wednesday in order to keep all of his VA disability check. It’s all because he and his wife are divorcing and she wants half. Under federal law, the money is exempt from alimony payments. But state law says she may be entitled to it. Terry Lynn says he wants to set a precedent to help all veterans in similar situations. He is on full disability from injuries he suffered while serving as a Marine during the Gulf War, but is now going through a divorce battle with his wife he met after his time in the military. He says she wants nearly half of what he gets: $1,500 a month. 

    “It’s how I pay my bills. There is no way I can afford to pay that amount and still survive,” says Lynn. He says he’s bought her a house and made other compensations, but that’s as far as he’s willing to go. “There is actually federal laws which protect the veteran’s compensation check from alimony and being garnished.” 

  • don bosch 11:02 am on 09/15/2014 Permalink
    Tags: , , marriage,   

    Skilz: How to be charming. 

    Lots more here. Don’t laugh. It worked great for me ‘n the Missus.

  • don bosch 7:44 pm on 09/08/2014 Permalink
    Tags: boundaries, marriage,   

    How to Rid Your Relationship of Neediness. It can be a killer. I learned these two remedies the hard way. Read and heed.

  • don bosch 11:21 am on 09/08/2014 Permalink
    Tags: , , marriage,   

    Two great videos for your next marriage class on communications.

  • don bosch 2:15 pm on 09/05/2014 Permalink
    Tags: marriage   

    6 Toxic relationship habits most people think are normal.

  • don bosch 8:24 am on 09/02/2014 Permalink
    Tags: , , marriage, ,   

    7 Truths about marriage you won’t hear in church.

  • don bosch 8:47 am on 08/29/2014 Permalink
    Tags: , , marriage, , ,   

    Wives often make great business partners.

  • don bosch 11:35 am on 08/27/2014 Permalink
    Tags: , , marriage, ,   

    12 Things Your Partner Needs To Hear More Often. I ran this list by Mrs. B this morning. She (a) liked it, and (b) though I had most of ’em covered. So there!

  • don bosch 8:08 am on 08/26/2014 Permalink
    Tags: marriage   

    How can I marry someone who loves me just for my money?

  • don bosch 5:23 pm on 08/25/2014 Permalink
    Tags: marriage   

    I moved in with my in-laws, and here’s how it worked. The argument against, here.

  • don bosch 10:26 am on 08/25/2014 Permalink
    Tags: marriage,   

    When Your Partner Stops Giving: The Silent Pain of Emotional Withholding.

    There’s only one way to deal effectively with a partner who withholds from you, and it’s this: You must make it clear that the relationship is OVER, FOREVER, if your partner does not start acknowledging you and communicating. This is the only tactic that has a chance of working, because the withholding partner doesn’t actually want the relationship to end. Your tormentor is deriving too much satisfaction out of dispensing punishment and seeing you suffer. Why you might want to remain with a sadist is your own business, but if you do want to try to save it, you have to threaten to leave and be willing to make good on your word if things don’t improve quickly. And if they do improve, you have to insist that you will be out the door if it ever, ever happens again. 

    Right up front, this dynamic is going to apply to kids as well as spouses. Swap out “child” or “teen” for “partner” above – think it will still work?

    Unless you’re doing this the right way, demanding that your partner/child opens up to you will backfire badly. First, it puts the ball in their court to either concede or not, giving them all your power. That only makes it worse. 

    More importantly, BOTH you and the other person are probably withholding. I have always liked Gary Smalley‘s powerful analogy on a closed spirit:

    The single most prevalent cause of disharmony within a home is what I have labeled a closed spirit.

    What do I mean by a closed spirit? What causes it? Let’s begin by saying that every person is born with a spirit, soul, and body, and all three are interrelated. I will define spirit as a person’s innermost being, similar to one’s conscience. It’s the area in which people can have fellowship with one another and enjoy each other’s presence without a word being spoken. Our deepest relationships are built on the spirit level. The soul would include our mind, will, and emotions. The body is, of course, our physical makeup. Together, we’ll say the three comprise a total person. But the soul and the body are within the spirit.

    Very Sensitive Tentacles

    To help us understand how the spirit, soul, and body operate together, let’s look at an example from nature. When I was a child, I enjoyed observing sea anemones on the California coast. They were often found in tidal pools among the rocks. About four or five inches in diameter, they look like colorful flowers with soft, wavy tentacles. But I noticed an interesting phenomenon. Sometimes I’d take a stick and poke one of them. Immediately the sea anemone would withdraw its sensitive tentacles and close up until it became a shell. It was similar to a beautiful flower closing. Now it was protected from further injury.

    What happens with the sea anemone illustrates what happens to a person when he is offended. The tentacles of that sea anemone are similar to the spirit of a person. The sea anemone is completely open and vulnerable. But when the stick pokes him, he closes up. In a similar way, when a person is offended, he closes up. When his spirit closes, it in turn closes his soul and body. If the spirit is open, so are the soul and body. In other words, when the spirits of two people are open, they enjoy talking (soul) and touching (body). If the spirit closes, the soul and body close to the same degree. A person with a closed spirit will usually avoid communication.

    And then, soon after, the relationship death-spirals.

    Be assertive with love and honor. Only fools demand what their loved one is afraid to give.

  • don bosch 9:54 am on 08/25/2014 Permalink
    Tags: marriage,   

    How is a woman’s desire for her husband a curse?

  • don bosch 9:29 am on 08/25/2014 Permalink
    Tags: marriage, sexuality   

    Gender hypocrisy in the porn debate. And then there’s this. The stuff is like Blue Bell – A couple quarts a day can’t help but do damage, whether you’re a guy or a gal.

  • don bosch 3:12 pm on 08/21/2014 Permalink
    Tags: , , , , , , , marriage, , ,   

    Why is the State Arresting So Many Parents?

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